My favorite thing to do when I was younger was to read the police reports in our small town newspaper. Nothing was funnier than seeing the write ups of old ladies calling the police station to report that “a raccoon ate my trash” and “a basketball bounced into my yard”. I kid you not, those were the type of things people reported to the police in Westwood, Massachusetts.
Luckily, and also more terrifying, Taos is proving to be far more entertaining. You just cannot make this shit up:
3:06 p.m., Harassment, Santo Niño — A man reported that someone was threatening to go to his house and shoot his son. The man does not want to have scatter brains all over the place.
11:11 a.m., Suspicious act, Gusdorf Road — A man reported that there are some people sleeping on his neighbors roof.
1:10 a.m., Frequent patrol, Camino del Merced — A man requested a patrol of his property. He advised he had a funny feeling about it because this individual is turning into a crack head and he has heard this individual is a thief and has a bad feeling about it.
11:16 p.m., Larceny, Linda Vista Street — A woman advised there is a man inside her residence and he has taken her blanket and will not return it to her.
11:35 p.m., Wild animal calls, Highway 38 — It was reported a huge bear was tearing apart their RV and need help ASAP.
2:13 p.m., Abused animal, La Morada Road — A woman reported that she want to report the loudest barking dog on the face of the planet. She does not want to give any info because she’s afraid of these people.
10:33 p.m., Battery, Paseo del Pueblo Sur — It was advised a man keeps banging on the window and two people are beating each other up behind the Dumpster.
1:20 p.m., Warrant, Camino de Santiago — A man was reported handing out strawberries at the church.
8:59 a.m., Disturbing the peace, Reed Street — A man reported someone was there and if an officer doesn’t get there ASAP, they are going to kick his ass.
8:59 p.m., Criminal damage, Civic Plaza Drive — It was stated that someone was at the intersection of Civic Plaza when a man pushed them to the side and started walking to the vehicle. They got scared and locked the doors. He then ripped off the license plate from the truck they were driving. They stated the man looked like the guy from Breaking Bad and was driving a lime green Subaru.
2:17 a.m., Welfare check — A woman reported that she went outside to see the stars and she could hear a faint voice of someone trying to yell for help. She stated she eventually tracked the yelling man to the Baptist church.
11:18 p.m., Suspicious person, La Mente de Coyote — It was reported that there was a man in all camo who was standing in the dark.
10:46 a.m. — A woman advised she need an officer to talk to her 15-year-old brother and scare him because he does not know how to behave.
9:14 a.m., Shoplifting, Paseo del Pueblo Sur — It was reported that a dirty-looking man with a limp and a beard in greenish-brown Capri pants just stole some sushi and alcohol.
Excuse me while I spiral into complete panic knowing that most of these people probably have guns. Way to go, America.